lead climbing: buddha mind

i got my lead climbing certification on monday, and hops got hers last night. that means we're both certified to climb and belay on lead in the gym. spu hasn't passed his test yet.

lead climbing is scary, and that's all there is to it. up until the first clip, the climber is totally unprotected. even after the first clip, and the second, and the third, there's a chance that even with no belay mistakes, the climber could hit the ground after a fall. beyond the third clip (and, of course, before it) there are a multitude of mistakes the climber and belayer can make that diminish the safety of the climbing system.

so it's scary. i've got a really well calibrated system of judging fun vs risk. it's why i take most of my fun from things that kill me chronically rather than acutely. but lead climbing is more likely to kill me acutely, and i still do it.

nevermind the why, the how is actually more interesting to me. during the class, and on the test, we were made to intentionally let go of the wall and fall, to give us practice with falling and to give the belayer a chance to catch us. this exercise, i think, opened the door for me to reach the buddha mind which i will describe in a moment. letting go of the wall when i had a perfectly good hold and imperfect confidence in my belayer and belay system, for no concrete or immediate benefit to myself -- this was a mental contortion that i had not undergone before.

it was still difficult to do the third or fourth time i did it, but it wasn't as difficult. with more practice (that i won't be getting now, i passed) i could do it on cue.

last night after hops passed her test, we did one lead climb before leaving the gym. at the base of my climb, tied in and ready to go, i looked up, mentally walked through obtaining the first clip, worried a little about the length and difficulty of the climb (it's only a 5.9, but it's tall, and all of the clips are left-handed -- tiring after a while), and then my mind went about as blank as it's capable of getting. i climbed the climb, and did some scary (on lead) moves -- like a damned spun-hold undercling -- with a mind totally focused on finishing the climb, and nothing else. slowly, methodically, and perfectly carefully i climbed up, punctuated by moments of calculated, fearless risk-taking on holds that were somewhat sketchy, until i reached the top, tired and safe.

i suppose at some point the novelty will wear off and leading will be just as undistracting as toproping, but for now, it consumes my entire attention -- my focus leaving no room for fear -- and that hasn't happened to me in a very long time.