unf

i've never sought "credit" for my "sacrifices".

i've never demanded, only asked.

i've never given expecting something in return.

i've never tried to effect change, only offered to help.

i've never asked for help, even when i needed it most. perhaps this is my mistake.

my mother once told me: you can't let yourself get upset because someone else didn't behave the way you wanted them to.

that's probably easier said than done, for most people.

... for most people. that reminds me of something i was thinking about this weekend. i can change myself. reinvent myself. tweak myself. it's not easy, but i do it. sometimes just for fun, sometimes for a reason.

they say "people don't change," but i do. so what's that make me, special? i don't like to think i'm special, because that comes with too much responsibility. for most of my life, i've wanted to be ordinary. and before that, i wanted to want to be ordinary, because wanting to be ordinary implies that i'm not. it implies that' i'm extra-ordinary.

so, simply by "wanting" to be ordinary, i can make myself feel extra-ordinary. depressed and happy at the same time.

it's a neat mental game, isn't it?

perhaps my only extra-ordinary quality is that i recognize when i'm playing mental games. i don't think many other people notice that in themselves.