i've been debating whether to do this...

because it will probably be misunderstood, even by me.

and because i don't like to whine.

oh, you think that i do, but you're wrong.

i like to whine about inconsequential things, because i think it's funny. because i have things that i really ought to whine about, but don't. because i don't *want* people to feel sorry for me, and i don't *want* a support group or a hug. i want to feel better, and i think (bone-headedly) that by figuring out root causes i will vanquish my problems. i've probably got fewer problems than most. i've absolutely got fewer problems than some.

well, i'm not whining now. i'm documenting. i'm going to look back on this in a year and see whether things have improved or gotten worse. i'm going to look back and be happy or depressed. i've probably got fewer problems than most. so here i go already:

THINGS THAT ARE CURRENTLY WRONG WITH ME
.......................................

Physical Things
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- funky taste in mouth. salty, sour, or bitter, depending on unknown factors. i guess that probably means most/all of my tongue is freaking out. doctor said today it wasn't a medical problem and to see a dentist. i shall.
- headache. possibly i didn't eat enough today. possibly i'm congested from allergies. possibly claritin (which i am taking now for a week) is less effective than allegra (which i'd been taking for years). used to it.
- sore neck. possibly from workout on friday. possibly from sleeping in a bed softer than i'm used to. possibly from laying on the floor yesterday. used to it.
- sore knees. probably from abortive attempt at running yesterday. possibly from shoes. possibly from carrying my still-somewhat-fat-self around all day.
- elevated body temp., real or perceived. weather has changed, maybe it's real. maybe i've got a fever.
- eyes feel dry and sore. probably allergies. possibly poor quality of sleep. used to it.
- tired. didn't sleep well. used to it.
- hugry. small lunch. used to it.
- nostrils at 80% operational capacity. allergies. used to it.
- weird taste in mouth. yes, i mentioned this before. of all the items on this list, it's the most recent and unusual addition, and really bugs me.
- irritated skin on neck and chin. chronic razor burn. used to it.
- skin breakouts near hairline. cause unknown. used to it.
- sore legs. squats. shouldn't be sore, i squatted wednesday.
- dry lips. the weather. used to it.
- gas. chronic. uh, that is, i've always got it, not that it's caused by tha chronic. used to it.
- caffeine addiction. it's okay though, i can quit anytime i want.

Mental Things
-------------
- clearly, the fact that i have made such a list is an indication of mental problems.
- lack of focus and desire to do my job
- chronic self-hypnosis
- chronic, terminal indecision
- overdeveloped senses of proportion and empathy
- underdeveloped sense of recognition of underdevelopment of proportion and empathy in others
- inability to be serious for long periods of time
- crisis overreaction
- crappy memory
- occasionally forget which parts of my mental-makeup are ironic-self-amusing-affectations and which parts are real
- failure to desire to distinguish reality from fantasy
- can rationalize anything, no fixed point of perspective. no firm moral standing. nuts!
- view life as a series of adventures, lessons, or experiments. this may be a strength and not a problem.
- fear of change of routine. getting over it. no longer have much of a routine.

Emotional Things
----------------
- emotional maturity not level across the board. some areas underdeveloped. some areas overdeveloped. crikey!
- convinced that i can (still) turn my emotions off at the drop of a hat, though i haven't tried it lately because i'm pretending to be a human. fooled you all!
- i've finally got a girlfriend (or more!) and i'm flailing about, drowning and lost. i dunno what to do. sometimes "being myself" doesn't seem to cut it. quite often, a reaction that would be appropriate for everyone else in the world is inappropriate for a gf (duh!) but often i wonder if i'm doing everyone a disservice by thinking so.

.... and the punch line is: despite all this, i still maintain a positive outlook! how? i dunno!