October 2004 Archives

one niner six!

tragically, the body-fat-o-meter says the loss was either water or muscle. after tonight's sex drugs and rock'n'roll, i'll prolly be back up at 212.

still, i guess this means i haven't done a terrible job of balancing things, although my lifts certainly ain't going up.

W's photos from the beach walk are now up.

I know what you're saying: "boooooooooring". Maybe. But look at the captions. They're funny. Or double your money back.

i was gonna write out some prose but i decided bad haikus would be "better".

CAUTION : mushiness follows

------

only one from you
caused so many more from me
is that like-a-lot?

look at the pillow
you say my skin is tougher
why is it so wet?

(trying to be a bit more traditional)
a shadow dances
stealing through the clouds and dew
light upon a smile

stupid words from me
that was the wrong kind of tear
why cant i shut up?

i said i would end
but you dont make it easy
more than i deserve

go back, hermit crab
better than to feel her tears
bliss! she disagrees

they did so much stuff
what do i have to offer?
me? worth the trouble?

---

what did you just say?
are you saying what i think?
no, you silly toad

see the special smile
it's too cold to hang the pouf
you warm me back up

---

i opened up me
you did not shrink from the warts
i imagine yours

(note: the preceding was not about herpes, sicko)
----

ugh! fucking cell phone!
i'm up! i'm up! i'm up! ugh!
ugh ugh ugh ooooooooooooh riiiight.

----

ask me again after, and i'll tell you if my theory was correct.

somewhere I saw the phrase:

"i know how you feel. proof is surrounding me."

i dunno if "surrounding" means "encircling," but that's the way i took it, and i liked the imagery. i wrote a mushy poem to explore the idear a little further.

enjoy.

i think i'm addicted to "clif's bars" and the like. they're tasty and convenient and healthy-enough, especially compared to the crap that now clutters my no-longer-clean diet.

i used to make all my 6 meals a day myself. a coworker recently asked why i don't cook all my own meals anymore. "i still make breakfast," I said. Yeah. Double oatmeals. Real fancy.

yeah, so it's thursday and i'm writing a haiku. purely coincidence. plus, mine's not in cantonese.

you like the evening
i like the morning
oh crud. but i'm still smiling.

google translation to german just so my thursday haiku can be bilingual:

Sie mögen den Abend.
ich mag den Morgen.
OH-crud. aber ich lächele noch.

W got a nickname upgrade today.

It's DCT now. Just in time for November, too, after which we shouldn't be hearing much at all from anybody named "W".

added a new word to my vocabulary, courtesy of W.

- taken the day after the beach walk

so i've had Cake on my mind lately. I wonder why?

I woke up this morning with the beat from "Dime" stuck in my head, so I let the album play a couple times before work. Then I got "Wheels" stuck in my head. So much so that I ended up writing out a poem (this one rhymes (mostly)!) that loosely mirrors the beat of the song. Or at least, it loosely mirrors the beat of the song as I remember it.

enjoy:

what remains

i haven't had the urge to work on any short (or long) stories, so i guess horrid poetry will have to suffice for now. but hey, everyone likes poetry, yeah?

so a month or so ago i finally "heard" some of the lyrics in what i consider to be an extremely influential song :

---
So come, come relax,
Grin, let the changes in
Come on, come relax
Grin,
Let the laughter, let the laughter
Let the laughter begin

Relax, grin, let the changes in.
---

i realized then that i had listened to the song without really hearing the words, and then done exactly as the song exhorts.

yesterday i was listening to the same song, singing along as i often do these days, when another bit of lyrics smacked me upside the head:

---
You have not betrayed your ideals
Your ideals betrayed you
What are you going to do?
---

hfs.

hfs
hfs
hfs

not only are the first two lines true beyond belief
the third line is word-for-word what i wrote in my notebook - what stared me in the face for 2 hours - just after my ideals betrayed me.

hfs.

the universe is a funky, funky place.

expanded a post from last night into a full grown piece of schlock.

enjoining the reader to enjoy is a little much, so i'll settle for "tolerate if you can".

moooooooooody! i gotta stop using a pouf. and maybe that soy milk had too much estrogen.

the egg - venice beach
wwwwooooooooooooooooooowwwwww!

no, i haven't done that.

no, i haven't got any.

no, i've never been there.

i was born yesterday.

there will be no celebration next month.

it's too late to take my meds.

me : W told me that she knows what she's going to get me for my birthday
BofPH : what?
me : i don't know what, she wouldn't tell me
BofPH : tell her to sign my name on it

for the first time, i remember my dreams.

i think this says something important about my comfort level.

another SLO beach walk this weekend. it was most excellent.

the weather was sunny. the water was warm(ish). visibility was 100%. it was crowded: i saw close to 10 other people. despite the weather and the crowds, i didn't take many photos. i ran the last mile to the breakwater rock. that was fun. lots and lots of fun. i ran up some sand dunes. that was also fun. lots and lots of fun. almost as fun as grass, but a lot harder. so i assume, that is.

but the best part was that i wasn't alone.

W came along to delight me with an endless stream of surprises. i will list a small sampling for posterity:

- she didn't pass out or die during the walk. she came close during the final ascent, but as i recall, so did I the first couple of times.
- she's allergic to salt water. huh?
- she's just as easy on the eyes in sunlight as she is in artificial light
- she doesn't go anywhere without the pouf
- she thinks i look like a frat boy and have tried cocaine
- she found three more "things". i'm still on my first two "things". i'm getting way behind!
- we can talk openly about anything, fearlessly.
- i am less boring than a game boy
- she's stopped worrying about the Big L. there's not much I can do about the little l. she's right to stop worrying.
- raw carrots are OK
- it is not just a forgettable album by Your Favorite Band.

---

all the old, familiar things seem different when experienced with someone else.

this wasn't the first time i've done the beach walk with someone else.

but it was the first time it was better that way.

---

of course, no activity of mine would be complete without some kind of injury. so here you go: no blisters this time, but i did pound the ever loving crap out of my left heel (probably during my last-mile no-shoes run). i've got a couple more days of walking funny. and W knows now that sunscreen isn't just for the upper body.

---

we were fortunate to do the walk on saturday, sunday brought clouds and rain. after the rain cleared, we went to the tide pool for some walking and some photos.

she: a great photographer with a mediocre model
me : a mediocre photographer with a great model

doh!

---

we both took tons of pictures. they'll be posted sometime, i reckon.

---

she enjoyed the tide pool walk more than the beach walk. of course she did! the purpose of the beach walk is not enjoyment. the purpose of the beach walk is to be dft by 3pm. that we were.

---

there are hidden messages in this post. nobody but me will "get" all of them.

---

and i think it will be heavy, after all.

in a good way. it will certainly be much more of an adventure than last time.

dreamt of hills. grassy hills. i sprinted up them. i have this dream when i'm awake, but rarely if ever when i'm asleep.

it was good.

i was armed. double cowboy pistols with leather hip holsters. i never drew, though. hmmm.

i was at a circus, a carnival, a dress up affair. there were bullies there, gangs of them. i was not afraid, i was armed. i had nothing they wanted, anyhow. i was there for one reason: the hills.

there was a thing from my past. the distant past. the thing. it was angry. what did it want? i don't remember. i knew last night what it wanted, but i couldn't deliver. in exchange, it refused to give me what i needed. things went badly for both of us. hmmmm.

through it all, though, the hills were visible. ahhhh.

walking aimlessly outside the sushi/noodle bar
talking on cell phone
recovering from the night's jog
thinking of the coming weekend

and i realized...

i feel at one with my place in life. i've found peace and contentment or some crap. not worried about anything. happy.

that probably means i'll die a horrible and ironic death sometime real soon. huzzah!

Some people don't dance,
If they don't know who's singing,
why ask your head, it's your hips that are swinging

[16:45] <_mook_> well, mom asks me almost everyday if i've talked to you
(16:45) <bigboote> yeah so?
[16:45] <_mook_> and i usually say "does "ugh.. ugh... boo... poo.. etc" count?"

my inner romantic is finally finding some opportunity for expression.

now if only i could stop laughing out loud and making fun of him whenever he manages to say something... uh... i might have a little less fun. so screw it. mr R, look out, they're all gonna laugh at you!

went to saul's in berkeley. the second jewish/new york style deli i've found in the bay area (the other being moishe's pippick in sf). neither one compares to cantor's in la or even the lesser delis of the palm springs area.

i had the same thing at both places: cup of matzoh ball soup and a pastrami and corned beef sangwich. if you have to ask what kind of bread or toppings, you probably aren't interested in what else i have to say.

moishe's had a very poor matzoh ball, saul's was delicious and home-made. sadly, the sangwich at saul's was underwhelming and way way overpriced. it came with a mixed green salad which seemed a bit out of place (to be fair, i could have had potato salad or a latke or something). moishe's makes a much better sangwich for much less money (and less gas money too).

i guess there's just no perfect j/ny style deli in the bay area, or at least if there is, it's well hidden.

[16:10] <_mook_> big storms in oakland sposedly
(16:30) <bigboote> oh crapo
(16:30) <bigboote> big storms are scary
(16:30) <bigboote> you know what happens when people get scared?
(16:30) <bigboote> they huddle together, real close-like
(16:30) <bigboote> often without clothes on
(16:30) <bigboote> bob's not invited

my $ips = join ', ', split(/ /, $ip_list) ;

wasn't nervous this time and not so tense. still, something about pointy scissors waving around my eyes makes me a little unrelaxed. i'll get over it.

this time they had me change out of my shirt and into a robe. this was a swell idea (assuming the robe has been washed) and when i left, i didn't have little cut hairs all over me. cool! that's one difference between a cheap haircut and a less than cheap haircut.

another difference is that i bought more product. i'm addicted to gear of all sorts, and hair gear is no exception. another 20 dollars worth of goop to slop onto my hair. this stuff is made from hemp. hey kid, you wanna get high?

the stylist pointed out that my hair has "natural highlights". seems that some of it is coming in the same color as my beardsly. she also opined that i would never go gray, just become more and more auburn.

fine by me!

ended up a bit short this time - more like what i wanted the first time around. ha! oh well, it grows back, i've learned.

new haircut.

can't use headphones.

i need vanity friendly headphones.

and what's it with the hair, now, anyhow? wasn't i supposed to stop caring about it pretty soon? just bought 2 more products for it. gah.

i was gonna blog some really mushy stuff about how wonderful Wonderful is.

then i figured:

why not just say it in person and see if i get to play tear catcher?

yeah!

unless i forget it all, which is likely.

:/

what was i thinking?

i'm not sure, now.

i heard "i was the one worth leaving" at least 5 times, but i wasn't paying attention to the lyrics. i bet they were ironically relevant, even though i still don't understand the title.

i was busy looking at these...

and waving goodbye to my false urgency.

bye, and good riddance.

new new new /me kicks AP in the nuts.

conversation is so much better than summary judgement - at least, for me, now.

i still haven't fully answered your question, but i'm getting there, bit by bit.

i can relax now, or i can relax single. it's so simple - but i didn't come up with it alone.

i'm relaxed now.

subotai is calling me.

oh well, i guess this just means it takes longer before i need to change my sheets.

might be time for another.

a lot less heavy this time, though. and i mean that not only in the sense of "no backpack".

ooh, and maybe i'll run it.

the deal so far:
att gsm
1 year contract
$39.99/mo for 700 minutes, free LD, free nights (9:01pm) + weekends
free roaming in CA and NV
free moto v505
$0 paid at store
free car charger that they told me not to use
free carrying case that sort of fits the phone
$36 activation fee, store will refund it after 6 mos.
and...
got 13% off monthly charges because my company has some spiffy deal with att.

now that i figured out how to disable mmode, i won't be paying any accidental data charges...

it looks like i won't be able to place any calls from the crapper, but maybe that just means i should move.

i think i have finally figured out what caused the scabs on my right knuckles. and the funny part is that now that i have a cell phone, i think the scabs aren't going to return.

that made no sense!

have i made it?

not quite, i think. almost? sat? sunday?

a track from my college mp3 days...

if i close my eyes, i'm back there in my 1st apt, rickety folding chair, moldy monitor, dusty floor, horrible food...

i wish i had a time machine.

i guess i sort of do.

dad: we're going back to vegas again. you should meet us.
me: i can't stand vegas.
dad: what? why not?
me: it stinks and it's hot.
dad: you'll have fun! you can go around with your mom.
me: then i can't even do the one or two fun things that they do have in vegas!

really
really
really important.

really really really really important. enjoy:

Conan and Subotai, in the wheat. Conan and Subotai, they run. Conan and Subotai, tireless, in the wheat.

sir galahad at anthrax. sir galahad, in the castle, his vision clouded. galahad distracted, at anthrax.

the pipes, the pipes
are swollen...
from gland to gland...

the cell phone doesn't like my computer speakers. speakers make a buzz-o when i'm making a call near them.

and when my living-room stereo is off, i get an extra reception bar.

modern technology, ain't it cool?

otto and lite in the red car. otto throws out the box. otto and lite in the red car.

buddy, at the canyon, his enemies vanquished. buddy, at the canyon, the kid left behind. buddy, at the canyon, the kid following.

talk in my sleep? maybe. snore? definitely not.

i think we've discovered another dimension of assymmetry.

gave blog address to coworkers.

time to self-censor!

like i wasn't doing that already...

ah-nold, on the mountain. ah-nold, the air returns.

[11:13] <_mook_> i need a new monitor
(11:13) <bigboote> just move out of the house
(11:13) <bigboote> into a place that has a new monitor
[11:13] <_mook_> mine keeps going out and i have to hit it (hard) to get the picture back
(11:13) <bigboote> so?
[11:14] <_mook_> i need a new one
(11:14) <bigboote> no
(11:14) <bigboote> picture comes back
[11:14] <_mook_> ok, then i need to shop for a fire extinguisher
(11:14) <bigboote> muuuch cheaper
(11:14) <bigboote> and more practical
(11:14) <bigboote> you should get one that you can mount to your monitor
[11:14] <_mook_> but then i'll still need a new monitor
(11:14) <bigboote> and some NO2 stickers

still unopnened

heh.

it's calorie soup, dammit!

a comeback workout. BP is still weak (it's always weak, snif) but i made it through a pretty good routine.

i need to stop having comeback workouts.

go go gadget immune system!

max, in the bathroom, with a drill.

max, on the bench, with a smile.

all right, then.

this time, though, the light source wasn't a plasma ball.

it was candles.

maybe that applesauce wasn't a waste after all!

in nice, friendly letters.

no really, i mean it.

i wonder how well i could communicate using the comm style from ST:TNG's "darmok" episode (one of my favs), restricting myself to metaphors from movies that i own.

how about this for a start:

launcelot, in the forest, his sword in his side.

and:

max, in the bathroom, his drill in his hand. max, in the park, a smile on his face.

hmm... both pretty phallic, not what i was getting at. okay. one more then:

deniro and pacino, near the runway. deniro, dying, with pacino and moby.

geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeky!

and i couldn't do it without imdb and google, so i guess i won't be able to talk that way all the time.

frank booth, on the doorstep, referring to heinekin.

yahoo sends me spam to tell me that their main page has changed.

if i ever visited the stupid main page, i'd know it had changed.

sending me spam isn't going to encourage me to visit.

i think there's something on my mind.

but i was supposed to try living without AP for a while. maybe that is the new new me.

and now for a little meta-thinkum that i came up with a couple weeks ago:

what am i thinking?
what do i think about what i am thinking?

straaaange loops.

W mentioned a "new me" this weekend.

she never even knew old-me, she only knew new-me.

i'm changing so quickly now, it's a bit frigtening. and confusing.

that is my lot, these days, to be frigthened and confused. hooray.

all i've done for a week is eat crappily, skip exercising, not sleep, be sick, and neglect my obligations.

one niner niner this morning. that's after giving up a 1x185 BP. not good. not good at all.

i think Dr. C. is coming back this week, or next. We know now it's not milk, and the evidence is stronger than ever that it's the coffee,
or maybe just stress as everyone said all along. stress? me? from what?

not so sure about the week, tho :/

bleh. bleh for both of us.

i know why. there are three reasons that i can ID. these are three of the things that are fundamentally wrong with me.

i may be fixing one of them by breaking all the rules, and by redefining my goals.

i may be fixing one of them now, but not in the way i expected or wanted. or want.

the third? still no idea how to fix it. i know how to ignore it, distract it, but it's always there ready to devour me without warning.

damned inconvenient. no, i won't tell you what i'm talking about.

where am i?

not where i expected to be.

which is exactly what i expected.

christopher reeve died.

they're playing an old terry gross interview.

be happy for what you've got.

so certain are you?

what? throat? ears? tonsils? head? all buggin me. of course you know what will fix all this. i'll see if i can manage.

if not, maybe it's finally time to rip those little fuckers out. good riddance.

well, at least i'm not going to hell.

heh.

where'd my week go?

oh, right. :-*

sleep, that is.

we'll see if it does me any good.

tuesday... wednesday... thursday...

i miss your touch. your smile. the wiggle.

how did i occupy my evenings 2 weeks ago? i don't recall.

thank you

for turning ... everything ... into happiness.

morning blogging on a mac.

in oakland.

i get to commute today!

in a country where it's illegal by law to call a Gulden Draak a beer, this crap is coming on to the market as "beer".

i hate the marketing-driven world we live in. i'm moving to belgium.

jiffy lube sent me a $5 coupon as part of a class action settlement.

ooooooh!

they send me a $5 coupon every 3 months anyhow. why do i need this? oh, it's stackable. woooow!

life is complicated, because people are complicated.

i never had a complicated life. i'm getting one now. cooooool.

i'm pretty sure now it was the coffee all along.

i guess i should be happy i can go back on the creatine now.

but i'd rather have coffee. fack.

ugh.

took a double shot of home-roasted sulawesi toraja grade 1

i am out of practice. in fact, i should have dumped the shot, i could see it was bad. drank it anyhow. bleh.

gonna go roast up some more for practice.

all righty, yo, call up the ioc.

1.6 miles in 15:40 = 9.79 minutes/mile = a 9:40 minute mile

i did have to make an additional safety stop to avoid a heart attack.

next time i'm running for distance instead of times. honest.

lifting on an empty stomach.

that's what happens when you wake up after breakfast.

that's what happens when you make your bed at 3am.

that's what happens when you're up late

no white pants today. wtf am i doing wrong?

is no time to be putting sheets on your bed.

that's what i get for being lazy.

i won the waiting game. it's not a game i'll be playing again. i apologize for playing it in the first place.

no photos this time.

some things were explained, which explained some things. there will be much less awkwardness.

there are better things to listen to than the high pitched noise and the spanish version of "secret asian man".

i'm going to have to get fastrak, i think ;)

i don't think things all the way through.

and sometimes (okay, often) i like for people to guess what i'm thinking.

this can be a poor combination.

no, i haven't got kids.
no wife.
no dog, no cat, no goldfish.
no contagious disease.
my arms and legs are real, my teeth are all mine.
i wasn't born a woman.

come on, i did say it wasn't one you would be able to guess easily :)

i think it turned out okay. now you know

but i did lie about not being a space alien. boo!

yesterday was foster city's oktoberfest. i kind of wanted to go, but i don't know anybody who

- likes beer
- can legally drink beer (not till february, geez!)
- lives within 200 miles of foster city

oh well. i bet the beer was expensive, like 3.25 for four ounces. and i probably would have left most of it.

what takes 9 minutes, well rested, on foot takes about 3:20, tired, on my bike.

but i was on musical steroids on the bike (hallucinogen, oh my) and audible downers on foot (GWB vs kerry, bleh!). i'm sure that affects timing.

1st bike ride with my new goatee and healed knee. made it to "first summit" of ascenscion drive. that's only a few yards from my last height record, but at that point, inches seem like miles.

from S1, I can't see S2, if there is one. There must be, the road keeps on going up. something to look forward (and up) to.

i wasn't blessed with a nice set of pipes. things swell up and close down at that level of exertion. one of these days i'm gonna kill myself biking up a hill.

oh well, there's worse ways to go.

linky

CONCLUSIONS. The caffeine-withdrawal syndrome has been well characterized and there is sufficient empirical evidence to warrant inclusion of caffeine withdrawal as a disorder in the DSM and revision of diagnostic criteria in the ICD.

tomorrow my roast will be mature and i'm gonna set myself up again for withdrawal.

that i'd leave the bed unmade as a signal to change the sheets after my shower.

now it's just a signal that i'll be getting into an unmade bed when i go to sleeep.

come on, change the fackin sheets!

noooo, I hate it!

thank goodness for IM, where dopes like me can spill their guts to girls with cute noses.

giggity giggity giggity!

my "standard run" is 1.6 miles. the other day, that took me about 18 minutes, which means i run aboot a 9 minute mile. room for improvement.

chefjef has started viewing your webcam.

maury_cohen: heeh
maury_cohen: see, you never know!
chefjef : jesus christ man put some damn clothes on

unfiltered

filtered

pretty soon i'm gonna get stopped for shoplifting six-packs.

nyuk nyuk nyuk?

this was actually the old trigger for a haircut. got it 4 weeks early. maybe this means it's time for a trim.

"what are you afraid of?"
she broke the silence by reading my mind
the silence returned as i searched for escape
some way to avoid confronting my own question
"what do you mean?" i lied
mercilessly, she offered an out
"take it however you want"
"crowds," said the coward, not speaking what i was thinking
sigh
no resolution

i sleep, and read, and then i smile
maybe it doesn't matter
i dreamt of an obstacle course, i got through it
i'll get through mine

knee seems pretty much okay - a little irritated but I think it was only 97% healed when i ran on it. normal running associated soreness. fine.

now as long as i don't do something retarded like go ice skating tonight and running tomorrow, i think i'll be fine.

for some reason, they redesigned eggbert's website.

not good. at least there's no flash, i guess.